Anniversary

Today would have been my parent's 60th wedding anniversary.  My mother and father would be 95 and 100, respectively.  Mother always said she did not want to live to be "too old" though I'm not sure she meant "old" so much as "infirm".  She did live to be 81 but was bedridden the last 18 months of her life, felled by strokes.  That was the kind of infirmity she dreaded.  Mercifully, she died in her sleep.  She loved me unconditionally and it was wonderful.

Dad lived to be 97.  He's been gone three years now.  It's hard to believe as he was such a presence in my life, mostly an irritating presence, but a presence nonetheless.  I loved my father but he worried too much and he gave way too much advice.  It's hard taking advice when you're in your fifties...forties...etc.  I find myself doing the same damn thing.  The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

My brother called to remind me today but I already knew.  I'd been thinking about this anniversary for weeks.  We talked a bit about them; how much we miss them.  We both agreed it's amazing to be married that long.  Our parents married late and both had previous spouses but no children.  I suppose my husband and I can hit that number because we married 35 years ago and we're both only 50.  Why yes, it was a shotgun wedding...

There is a common wisdom that says one can never again be a child once their parents have died.   I have begun to think that is true.  I know it in the deepest part of my Id.  I know I can never again feel the warm comfort of my parent's arms about me, their kisses on my forehead, my father's hand holding mine.  I can talk to them but I cannot be with them.  And I really really miss that. 

The older I become, the more I appreciate their wisdom, their sacrifices, the tragedies endured and the many gifts they gave me, not least of which are my values. As our parents leave us, the little irritations fade and the good things move to the forefront.  As Martha would say, "It's a good thing."

Truly An Empty Nest Part III Transitions

Tree  Meeting by Cole Scott

Our new life begins in the home of my mother in law.  She's 83 years old, still recovering from the death, last year, of her ex husband and housemate of sixty years.  She is a tippler who self medicates.  She doesn't handle change well.  Of course, who at 83 handles change "well"?  The reasons for our moving in with her were many:  she has a rambling old farm house with an upstairs living space, she's not in good health, the house needs upkeep and it seems to make financial sense for all concerned.  She can use the extra money and we can save some money.  I am convinced that multi-generational living arrangements are making a comeback.  There are many reasons, not least of which is the current recession; but there is also a real need for care and protection of aging parents.  This is an idea we kicked around for several years.  When we finally put our house on the market and it sold in one day and we had five weeks to move, well, it became an immediate realty.

Adjusting to our new living arrangement is the hardest part.  My MIL is set in her ways and very stubborn.  While she embraces the idea of our living with her, she resents the invasion of her space.  We find ourselves walking on tiptoe around her, never quite sure of her mood for the day.  My father was the same way.  He did not like any deviation from his routine and could get cranky at the drop of a hat.  The cliches of old people are all true:  they have to eat early, they drive like crap, they keep the heat turned up to unbearable levels and they don't like change.  Eating, sleeping and regularity are their primary concern, not necessarily in that order.  My husband and I wonder if we'll be like that when we're their age.  OMG, I hope not. 

My younger son is living with us for the time being.  He has his own room, three squares and a new job.  He's content for now although he's making plans to move out in six months.  He patiently deals with his grandmother's moodiness.  His brother is home for Christmas and, together, they make her laugh and keep her entertained.  Their energy and joy are infectious. 

As for my husband and I, we're giving this a three month test.  We'd like it to work because she can't really stay in the house alone much longer.  It's not practical nor safe.  But, everyone has to make it work.  So, fingers crossed.