I have mixed feelings. On the one hand, I want him and his brother to travel and explore the world while they are young, before they have serious girlfriends, jobs and responsibilities. On the other, I'm terrified something will happen to him because of his youth, naivete and inexperience. I did the trip the year I turned 20. My girlfriend and I backpacked for three months, same time of year. It remains the single most significant thing I've ever done besides have children.
So what am I afraid of? What deep primal fear welled up inside me last night and kept me awake for almost two hours? What sense of dread do I continue to quell?
Ever since he was born I've harbored a fear of something happening to him. My husband shares this fear. Reya, a blogger I follow, writes often about psychic energy and insight. But mine scares me and I often cannot discern if what I feel or think is psychic, insightful or just plain anxiety. What I mean is, when I have strong feelings about another person I meet, I honor them. But when I have strong feelings about someone I am close to and the feelings are based in what I believe may be negative insight, I reject them. As a mother, I can do nothing less.
One of the more comforting things Reya has written is "I'm not one of those psychics who predicts the future... the future is co-created, moment to moment, by every person, animal, blade of grass, by every breeze, lightning strike, rain shower, by every tectonic movement, by the effect of the solar wind, the gravity of the moon pulling on the earth, etc. etc. etc. I'm certain dark matter plays a role in co-creating the future. A person would have to see around every corner in order to truly be accurate."
I like this. I do not want to predict the future. I do not want to be afraid. I want to believe my son is going to have this wonderful trip. I want to learn to let go of not just him but my fear for him. I love him more than I can say. How do I learn to let go?
Son #2 (right) with a close friend