Parenting 101

December 6th, our sons embarked on a glorious trip Down Under with one way tickets and one year work visas.   They've been gone one month and five days and, so far, they're having the time of their lives.

This trip is the culmination of a lifetime of  them talking, hoping and finally working to save the money and go.  Growing up, we encouraged them to explore the world, get to know and understand other people and cultures, learn to cope in new situations, discover who they are and what they want to become.  In other words, we raised them to believe happiness is a goal more important than money, prestige, the accumulation of "things" and climbing the never-ending ladder. 

Success is being happy with who you are not what you have.  

Sweet Halloween Memories

TRICK OR TREAT              

SMELL MY FEET

GIVE ME SOMETHING

GOOD TO EAT

circa 1991-1992

Yes, the refrain of my children back in the day.  We laughed like hell when the little "angels" recited that one.

Then, there was this favorite poem they learned in elementary school.  They can still recite it.

Five little pumpkins

Sitting on a gate

The first one says

"Oh my it's getting late!"

The second one says

"There's witches in the air."

The third one says

"I don't care."

The fourth one says

"Let's run and run and run."

The fifth one says

"It's Halloween fun."

Then WOOOO went the wind

And out went the light.

And the five little pumpkins

Rolled out of sight.

The Children They Were

Nothing has ever tugged at my heart like my children.  They were, as babies, toddlers and youngsters, the most beloved creatures in my life.  I cherished every day with them, even the tough ones, because I knew how precious, how fleeting it was.

 Ages 2 and 3

The boys are men now; young men in their early 20s.  They are no longer mine to protect, to hold in my arms, to keep safe.  They have their own ideas with which I don't always agree and that is to be expected.  It's a balancing act of loving the children they were and the adults they've become.  As little guys, I loved them in no small part due to their dependence and need of me.  As a parent, I have to learn to adjust, accept and love what they are becoming without too many expectations.  I have to learn to love with an open hand.

This brings to mind a favorite book, "The Art of Loving" by Erich Fromm, a German psychologist and philosopher. Published in 1956, it was a must-read in college.  Fromm posited many theories about love including:      

• Love is a skill that can be taught and developed.
• The active character of true love involves four basic elements: care, responsibility, respect, and knowledge
• Loving oneself through understanding, acceptance and personal responsibility is key to loving another person
• He is skeptical of exclusive love in which one loves another person to the exclusion of all else.

His most debated and quoted concept is his differentiation between immature and mature love.

"Immature love says 'I love you because I need you.'  Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'"

Need vs love.  Do I need them because I love them or love them because I need them? 

I read a short article by a woman who said her mother taught her she would never have to lie to her because it would always be okay to tell the truth.  She promised her truth without punishment.  This courageous, some might say "silly" mother allowed her child to sneak out of the house at two in the morning when she was 14 years old.  The girl had told her mother her friends wanted to do it and asked permission.  Her mother let her go but asked that she call after an hour to let her know she was okay.  She never told her friends her mother was in on it.  This scenario played through her teenage years and she says it made her incredibly responsible.

Now, I learned the  "Ask forgiveness instead of permission" way.  When it came to my father, it was all about after the fact.  I could not tell him who I was, what I was up to, where I was really going or anything else.  No sir. He'd have locked me away for four years: 14-18.  I'm sure he wishes he had. 

My mother was another story.  When I was 17, after a high school career of "Let's see how much I can experiment and live."  my mother took me to lunch one day, reached across the table, took my hand and said, 

"No matter what you do or who you become, I will always love and respect you."

These were the most important words my mother ever spoke.  They gave me self esteem and self respect.

So here I am 20+ years later, hoping I've done the job I wanted to do.  Much love flows between us and they seem unafraid to express themselves emotionally.  We never speak with one another without saying "I love you."  That's a good thing.   My husband and I will take full credit for that!

      Clear Lake, CA. ca 1992  1st water ski lessons & holding the "skiier down" flag

Happy Birthday To Me

This morning, twenty four years ago, was the first happiest day of my life. 

Between 8 and 8:30am, my first child, Bryan, was born.  He was a 7lb 8oz baby boy with a full head of hair, dark brown eyes and a high bilirubin count.  He was jaundiced.   I saw him briefly after delivery but he was whisked away to the nursery and placed in a special bed under blue lights designed to reduce the level of bilirubin.  I did not see him again for eight hours.

 

 I was heavily sedated having undergone a Caesarian.  My husband assisted in delivery and my best friend, a nurse practitioner,  was there for moral support.  It was an agonizing day as I waited anxiously to hold my baby for the first time.  By the time 4pm rolled around, I was becoming hysterical, worrying about what might be wrong, despite assurances from the nurses this was "routine".  

When they finally put that little boy in my arms, I knew love I'd never felt before.  Nothing takes the place of carrying a child for nine months, delivering him or her, holding them the first time.  It was magic.  It was instantaneous.  I was bonded.  

Some new mothers have to get to know their baby.  Some are afraid because they haven't any experience.  Some take to it like a duck to water.  No matter.  If you love them, it's all good.

 

Family Photos Easter 2005 
the year Bryan left for college

 

Bryan, his father & brother January 2011

 

My son is now twenty four years old, a college graduate, living in the West, beginning a new chapter in his life; trying to find a real job, pay off school loans and make his way.  He's smart, he's funny, he's unbelievably cheerful and a very fine athlete.  I didn't know what to expect the day he was born but I could not ask for more. 

 

Children's birthdays are a time for celebration...by their mothers and fathers.  So, happy birthday to me!

Road Trip Pics

My husband and our first born, Bryan, went on a road trip to visit our second born now living in Florida.  Enroute, they made some wonderful stops. 

Bryan in front of our Richmond, VA home where both boys were born.  It's a 1906 Edwardian brick town home in an historic district known as The Fan.  My husband completely renovated it top to bottom.  We lived there ten years.  He was happy to see the place in beautiful condition just as we left it.

In the Everglades.  My husband took the Alligator Alley route from east to west to show Bryan where his great uncle once lived, built and rented air boats back in the 60's & 70's.  My husband's uncle was once the Florida state pistol champion.  He was a character out of a movie:  hard drinkin', loud, into doing "man"ly things like moonshining, hunting, shooting, etc.  I met him once.  He really was a character.

Son #2, Fletcher, snapped by his girlfriend and taken from Facebook.  He's moved into what my husband calls "a tear down with a million dollar view".  He lives in a little apartment on the water in Naples.  He is fifty feet from the beach and has a second floor balcony view to die for.  The building may be hurricane damaged or similar but he's happy as hell.  

The men in my life, happy, bonding, sharing the love. 

One Year Later

Last year, Christmas time.  We had just moved into my MIL's home.  Our sons were home and everyone was adjusting to this new life we'd appropriated.  My husband and I were so happy to have the boys here and we miss them now.  First born is second from the right.  He'll be home Thursday.  Second born is first on the right and he will not be home as he's begun a new job in Florida.  

The room below, once a very large living room, has been transformed into a kitchen/family room with new 12" pine board floors.  It's been a labor of love and we are busy dividing the old farm house into two living spaces.  With alot of compromise on both sides, we're making this work. 

The boys on a hike with the dogs.  This is our older dog, Zoe.  She's still full of piss and vinegar...mostly piss.

Sometimes I know we did a good job parenting...

Number One son texts on Thanksgiving after calling me to say he wanted to "change it up for Thanksgiving and volunteer at a homeless shelter". 

TXT#1:  "I love you.  all the homeless shelters and slavations arms were closed so i ran into two homeless guys and drove them to a place with a nice view."

TXT#2:  "Bought them beer and cigs and hung out for a cou(p)le hours.  they were so happy!"

TXT#3:  "Ya it does.  I took them up the avenues and found a spot for them to drink a few beers.  They seemed really happy about it.  Not so lonely ya know?"

TXT from us:  "I am proud of you, son.  Dad wants me to ask you to be careful...I know you are..."

TXT#4:  "I'm all tired from the turkey.  Tell dad not to worrythey were very nice guys.  Right around your age too.  I may call in a bit." 

My loving kind son went out and rounded up two homeless guys and bought them beer and cigarettes and treated them like human beings.  As much as his faith in humanity scares us, it thrills us too. 



#1 Son

  

Six Degrees from Graduation

We called our eldest son last night to tell him his University was cancelling his classes because he hadn't paid his tuition.  This has happened before so we weren't surprised.  However, when my husband spoke with our student, he was irritated to some extent but then said, "I don't want to pay for classes I don't need."

He needs six more units til he can graduate.  He has been paying for college through student loans via the Federal Stafford loan program.  It's cheap money but they have requirements, one of which is "half time enrollment" up to each school.  In his case, I believe it's 10 units.  But, for some reason, he's decided to take only the six units he needs even though he does not have the money to pay for them. 

My husband's theory is  he is afraid to graduate and start his life.  We discussed this for a while, trying to remember how we felt.  I remember graduating with my B.A. Liberal Arts in English Lit.  I was very well educated but not trained to do anything.  My husband took a B.S. in Child Development and went on, after a few years of marriage, to get his MSW so he could be a social worker.  We struggled for a long time and I know how this feels. 

My son will have to start his life regardless because the federal loan criteria requires ongoing presence in school or you start paying back the loans until you return to school.  Son #2 is currently paying $101.00 per month for a small amount of loans he took during his two stints in college.  Soon #1 will have a much higher bill, I'm afraid.

How do you guide your child at this point in their lives?  He's 23 years old and has, for all intents and purposes, been independent from us and our financial help for over three years.  We are very proud of him because of this.  He scrapes by as a part time waiter.  School funds give him the additional support he needs.  He's studying Environmental Studies and we think there are many directions in which he can go.  But, we think he's scared. 

If anyone has gone down this path, I'd love to hear about it. 



Bye Bye Love or Hello Happiness?

Are empty nesters happier once their children fly the coop?  According to Britain's Daily Mail, you too "might just start feeling richer, fitter and sexier". 

Our family 2005 the year our first born left home for his freshman year in college

Okay, I'll buy that.  In fact, there's no doubt in my mind.  While I love my sons dearly, when they were both out of the house, my husband and I were happy, extremely happy.  It was kinda that feeling we would get when we'd drop them at summer camp each year.  We'd say "buh bye" and they'd be standing there waving and we'd be waving and, as soon as they were out of sight, we'd start with the high fives and the "What'll we do for the next few weeks while they're gone?" fantasies. 

One of the first things we like to do is...run around naked.  Now, don't say "ewwwww".  I bet many couples like to run around naked.  Not so much because it's sexy but because, with the kids out, you CAN.  Another is to not worry about dinner til you're hungry, if at all.  No nutritional issues now that the kids are grown.  I mean, if you just want to eat salads every night & drink wine, you don't have to make a second more nutritious meal for the children. 

We can sleep.  No lying awake nights waiting for them to come home from whatever they have been up to.  No worries.  No matter where they are, they are not in your face with it any longer.  Plus, I never could sleep worth a damn until I knew they were safe and sound in their beds. 

The pets eat on time again.  It was always a struggle to get the poor dogs & cat fed by 6:30pm.  You'd think I was asking them to dig a ditch.  And the squabbles over whose "turn is it?" 

We have clean drinking glasses in the cupboards again.  It seems like every time we wanted a glass, they were all dirty and in their room.  I'd go up there and find aat least 4-6 empty, dirty glasses in the room.  Why couldn't they carry them downstairs and put them in the dishwash so we'd have some clean ones?  Huh?

There's hot water left over, the electrical fees have gone down, we have the use of our washing machine back and the dryer is empty and may be used.  Kids leave every light & computer on in the place.  They take showers lasting a minimum ten minutes, usually twenty.  The washer & dryer are always in use...by them. 

Oh yes, we miss them but in a good way.  We miss their exuberance and their presence in our lives and their smiles and laughter & joy.  We don't miss the coming & going, the phone calls past 11pm, the constant activity and boistrous bellowing.  We don't miss dragging them out of bed at 11am in the morning.  

My husband and I get along better than we have in years.  How many years?  Oh, I'd say about 22...since the second "little Angel" was born. 

Letter to My Son On His Birthday

Birthday Boy:

Sorry for the email but, between the time change and everyone's crazy schedules, we hope to catch up with you some time today or early this evening to again wish you a happy birthday.

Twenty three years ago you made me the happiest person on the face of the earth.  You were the most beautiful baby ever, so little and brown.  You smiled from the get-go.  Such a happy, joyous child.  You have given us moments of stress, fear and great love.  Glad the first two are pretty much done tho'.  Growing pains are, possibly, hardest on the parents. 

I hope today is special.  I hope you do get to skydive.  I so wanted to when I was your age.  Well, a few years younger, actually.  By the time I was your age, I was planning my wedding to your father.  Can you imagine?

Wish we were all together.  But we soon will be. 

Re:  those "presents" you bought for Dad & your brother, you'd better check w/ the post office as to the legality of mailing.  They may be construed as weapons.  You might be better off using UPS or Fed Ex but I would be upfront w/ all.  You don't need some postal regs to bite you in your tiny little butt.

I love you  I love you  I love you.      Mamma              

                                                       

Happy Mother's Day

Japonica

Today is Mother's Day. I will get up, make breakfast for my MIL and husband. At 2pm, we shall go to a lovely old 19th century hotel for a sumptuous brunch.  My older son is preparing to travel to Costa Rica. He's just finished another year in college. My younger son is away this weekend so I will not see him. It's just my husband, MIL and I.

I miss my mother. She died in 1997. She would be 95 now and I don't think that would please her. She never wanted to live that long. But I miss her terribly; her wisdom, her patience, her kindness, her acceptance. I am not as good or patient or kind as she was but she did teach me acceptance and love and, for my children, I have that in abundance.

Back in the Fold

Son #2 surprised us last night by coming home two days early from Europe.  I was restless and unable to sleep, having stayed up til Midnight watching the World Series.  I heard a car in the driveway at 1AM and wondered who the heck was driving up my dark road into my back yard in the middle of the night for cryin' out loud?

I went to the window, looked down on the back yard, saw shapes in the moonlight (full moon last night), one with a backpack.  It still didn't register.  I went downstairs, to the back door and opened it and there he stood, big as life, skinny as all get out, with a scraggly but somehow becoming beard and a shit eatin' grin.

"Hello Mother!"

I was enfolded in his arms and he walked through the front door, newly changed from what sounds to be a fascinating trip. 

My son is home, safe and sound.  He has changed; he has grown.   I can't wait to hear the stories pour forth over the next few days.  More to come...

Theme Thursday Halloween

Nowadays, Halloween seems to be more about grownups, their parties and elaborate costumes. But for me, it will always be about my children.

circa 1989

When they were 1 & 2, we dressed them in pirate pajamas, smudged their faces with beards & moutaches and carried them door to door for their first "experience".  They lasted about 45 minutes.  It was the beginning of many happy years to come.

The following year, the pumpkin carving began.  Their father took them to pick out the pumpkins, then sat them on the ground to watch as he carved. 

circa 1990

They were charmed, mystified and delighted all at the same time.

After that, they always had their own pumpkin on which to draw a scary face.  They learned to dig out the seeds, saving them to dry in the oven and, later, feed to the birds.

As they grew, they learned to carve and it was the highlight of the season, after the candy collection of course!  I  decorated the entrance to our home each year using the home made bats, witches, ghosties and black cats cut out of construction paper at school.  I made spider webs of black string which hung from the porch overhang and brushed children's faces.  We had the white fuzzy webs, ghost lights on a string, trees filled with lights and brown paper bags of sand, each with a candle to light the driveway. Carved pumpkins filled our porch.  We played a selection of scary music on the stereo heard up the driveway and into the street.  We lived on a cul de sac in southern California and Halloween was generally warm allowing us to leave the front door open, the electric lights off with only the flicker of candlelight to show the way.

The main event was taking the boys trick or treating.  We'd visit the homes of our neighborhood and a few beyond.  So many people decorated and dressed up for the kids, it was always a surprise and a treat.  We'd take our dog on a leash and the boys' two best friends, a brother and sister, little towheads and cute as buttons.  Dressing the boys was my husbands's task and he approached it with artistry and vigor.  One year he painted the face of one son as a skeleton and the other was a vampire and they were dressed accordingly.  Another year, earlier, they went as Oscar the Grouch and a duck!

So another Halloween approaches and my boys are grown and away.  But my memories are sweet and my heart is full and I wish everyone the kind of Halloween my husband, sons and I were so lucky to enjoy.


Click here for a cute Halloween message from Jacqui Lawson.

To Bryan

Bryan, my wonderful first born son, went to see Bob Dylan in concert for the first time Tuesday night and he was blown away.  He excitedly called his father the next evening to tell him it was...

"...one of the best experiences of  my life" and he "couldn't believe he (Dylan) was real."

He went, in part, because of his father's undying admiration for Dylan.  He wasn't sure if he'd like the music or his singing but came away with an appreciation for all, particularly his musicianship.  He told my husband

"I really wished you were there but I felt like you really were there through me."  My husband was thrilled.

 Bryan is a self taught guitarist and he's very good.  He bought a second hand guitar his senior year in high school and began to learn via computer programs on the internet.  By graduation, he was so into it, we bought him a week's stay at an acoustic music camp on Lake Winnepesaukee where he ate, slept and learned the ropes from hundreds of devoted bluegrass musicians from around the world. 

Since then, he has taught himself electric guitar and now plays in a group in the city where he lives and goes to college.  He sometimes performs solo, singing and accompanying himself on his acoustic guitar.  When my father died two years ago, he left his harmonicas to my sons.  Bryan began teaching himself harmonica listening to Dylan and Stevie Wonder.  He made a harmonica holder out of a coat hangar, then broke down and bought a professional one.

My husband and I have surrounded the boys with music, mostly the rock n' roll we grew up with.  They  appreciate music from our era and have an eclectic selection on their ipods.  I am proud of my son's courage to get up there and perform.  Takes guts and a certain amount of confidence which I certainly don't have! 

His favorite song from the live concert the other night, "To Ramona".

Letting Go Part IV: Next Stop, Barcelona

Blue Door - Spain Series by Carson Pritchard

Our son is headed for Barcelona.  He's been in London over a week and his money is running out.  His travel buddy met a girl there and fell madly in love.  Our son called yesterday to ask what to do.  We told him to discuss it and tell his bud he wants to leave.  If his friend wants to stay, they need to agree to disagree and go their separate ways.  No sense having hard feelings over circumstances. 

We received a quick email today.  He's booked a flight to Barcelona and leaves Wednesday, friend in tow. 
 
Previous trip posts: 
Letting Go Part III

Looking Back

It's Autumn now but this photo was taken twenty years ago on a visit to New Hampshire during another Autumn.  This is my older (by fourteen months) son.  He was two at the time and his brother was a baby.  We captured him in front of our condo in the mountains.  We'd bought it as a second, refreshing, humidity-free escape from Richmond, Virginia where he and his brother were born.  By the time this was taken, we'd moved back to San Diego so I could take a sales management position with a radio station there.  But my heart was already moving away from the corporate climb towards my children and a different life that we would eventually escape to, one that left behind the stresses of keeping up,  wearing the right labels and so forth.  Speaking of labels, I often thought we should have entered this photo in the annual Osh Kosh photo contest.  But we never did.

He was a beauty, wasn't he?   He still is.

Lettiing Go: Part III

Received my third message from Euro-Son.  I tried emailing him "Where are you?" via Facebook.  It worked!   Social networking is for Gen Ys.  Should have known.  I'm all over this now.  Here's his latest: Hey mom we are in zermatt swissland and its awesome. its where the matterhorn is. we climbed up a mountain 2800 meters today and it was breathtaking...its kinda expensive but nothing to bad. i would love to go to where nona is that would be great but ryan and i have no idea what town it is. im trying to get the details right now soo well see...but yea thatd be sweet cuz we need somwhere to go thats relativly inexpensive where we wouldnt have to spend alot of mooney. but yea everything is going well we met these cool spanish kids who we hiked with today and we are staying at a campground. octoberfest was crazy we met lots of ausies who we partyied with for a few nights, they party wayyy hard...kinda hard to keep up, but we still managed, haha. how is everything at home...dad doing ok and the animals, and obviously you. hope so let me know. i love you guys very much and will try to take care of myself and you do the same.

Euro Son & a close friend Feb 2009

It sounds wonderful, doesn't it?

References:  Letting Go
                    Letting Go  Part II

Keeping Track of Our Sons

Ohhhh, this is what I need.  

Letting Go: Part II

Country Lane by Laura Trevey

I share this as a thank you to all who've responded  positively with encouragement and love to my first post on the subject.

Date: Thursday, September 17, 2009, 5:40 AM

hey mom I made it to frankfurt, got a free bus ride to some wierd little town and now we´re at a campground recovering from jetlag. We met a nice guy named Ernst who is letting us use his computer and is an experienced truck driver giving us broken-english piece of mind on how to get to... well we´re figuring that out but i think we´ll start the trek to munich. have terry get us some contacts in neuremburg. I love you guys but i g2g. chow! 

Love the spelling!   I feel soooo much better and so does my girlfriend whose son is with him.  Now we wait for the next email.  CHOW!!

Letting Go

Son #2 left for Europe today.  He's backpacking for six weeks with one of his best friends.  He has round trip tickets, a Eurail pass, his passport, camera, a copy of "Let's Go to Europe" courtesy of his mother and what looked to be a 50lb pack!

I have mixed feelings.  On the one hand, I want him and his brother to travel and explore the world while they are young, before they have serious girlfriends, jobs and responsibilities.  On the other, I'm terrified something will happen to him because of his youth, naivete and inexperience.  I did the trip the year I turned 20.  My girlfriend and I backpacked for three months, same time of year.  It remains the single most significant thing I've ever done besides have children.

So what am I afraid of?  What deep primal fear welled up inside me last night and kept me awake for almost two hours?  What sense of dread do I continue to quell?

Ever since he was born I've harbored a fear of something happening to him.  My husband shares this fear.  Reya, a blogger I follow, writes often about psychic energy and insight.  But mine scares me and I often cannot discern if what I feel or think is psychic, insightful or just plain anxiety.  What I mean is, when I have strong feelings about another person I meet, I honor them.  But when I have strong feelings about someone I am close to and the feelings are based in what I believe may be negative insight, I reject them.  As a mother, I can do nothing less. 

One of the more comforting things Reya has written is "I'm not one of those psychics who predicts the future... the future is co-created, moment to moment, by every person, animal, blade of grass, by every breeze, lightning strike, rain shower, by every tectonic movement, by the effect of the solar wind, the gravity of the moon pulling on the earth, etc. etc. etc. I'm certain dark matter plays a role in co-creating the future. A person would have to see around every corner in order to truly be accurate."  

I like this.  I do not want to predict the future.  I do not want to be afraid.  I want to believe my son is going to have this wonderful trip. I want to learn to let go of not just him but my fear for him.  I love him more than I can say.  How do I learn to let go?

Son #2 (right) with a close friend