3 Friends, 5 Days, 10 Years

"A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same."   Elbert Hubbard

 

Ten years ago this week, I lost three of my dearest friends within five days of one another.  Each was in his/her early 50s.  Each had cancer. 

 

Doug and I on his 40th birthday

The first to go was my friend Doug.  He died ten years ago yesterday of  colon cancer.  He was and still is the funniest person I have ever known.  Friends since high school, we hung with the same crowd in the parking lot of a coffee shop known as Dyles.  We christened ourselves  "the Dyles gang" although we weren't  a gang, per se, just a group of teenagers with similar interests:  drinking, smoking cigarettes and pot, going to the beach, going to any party we might hear about. The friendships began for some of us as early as junior high and are still going strong.  Doug, who began his tenure in the group as a slightly built, straight man to his overweight sidekick nicknamed "Wally", eventually became the king of one-liners & witty responses.    He told anecdotes and, like Jerry Seinfeld, most were based on truth;  those we'd experienced and those he embellished.  He was so funny he should  have done stand-up.  I think it was his secret passion. My life was never so hilarious as when portrayed by this guy.  He met the love of his life in his early twenties.  They married, had children and were supposed to live happily ever after.   Ten years after his passing,  she's still alone and in love with him. 

Mazatlan ca 1984 or 85
 the way I like to remember Doug, beer in hand

 



Maui, ca 1980  Dari & her then BF

The second loss came the next day when my best friend's sister, Daria, died of breast cancer.  She and Doug knew one another and surprisingly were diagnosed with their respective cancers within weeks of one another.    Each  fought their illness for five long years.  Daria comes from a medical family and she explored every available avenue, including, finally, a bone marrow transplant from her doctor brother.  She was a free spirit.  Unlike her three siblings, she did not follow the dictates laid out by her rigid father.  She was the only one to smoke before she was 21, forgoing the $1000 he promised each child if they made it.  She moved to Maui in her early twenties, lived at the beach, taught school, bartended and had a very cool life.   She married later than most, meeting her dream man in her mid-thirties.  After many years of shuttling between Maui and Lake Tahoe, where she was a black jack dealer, she settled for a more conventional life with her handsome, boyish husband, moving to a tiny town in Wisconsin to live on his family farm and teach school. She was unconventional to the end and I picture her turning the tiny town in which she passed her final years on its ear with her beautiful brave ways.   I consider myself privileged to have spoken  with her numerous times before she was too weak to talk.  Her death left a void in that family that can never be filled.

 



Randy & Pat ca 1984
Old Towne Mexican Café
San Diego

The third loss was two days after Daria's.  My very close friend, Pat, whom I met and worked with in my mid twenties, was one of the kindest, gentlest most thoughtful people I've known. She was a great listener.  When we first met, I was getting divorced; then I was dating (all the wrong men); then I was partying too much; then I was diagnosed with epilepsy; then I was in love and so on.  Pat listened to all the stories with great understanding and humor.  She was married to her soul mate, Randy, with whom she's grown up just outside Milwaukee.  I know she lived vicariously through many of us because we were "out there" and she was not.  But I never detected anything but interest and her advice was wise beyond her years.  Pat and Randy were family to me back in those days.  Pat had a wonderful gift.  She never forgot a birthday.  I never failed to receive a beautiful card and I looked forward to those cards because I knew, wherever I was living, she'd send one.  She was beautiful inside and out.  When she and her wonderful husband, finally left San Diego to return to their families and make a home in Milwaukee, my husband and I threw a wonderful large going away party for them.  Everyone in San Diego radio and TV  came because everyone loved Pat.  She had a way of making me feel like I was brave and funny.  I was a better person seen through her eyes.

 

Three friends.  Five days.  Ten years ago.  It seems as if it were yesterday.

 



60 Is the New 40

.  

One of my favorite bloggers, injaynesworld, commented on my October 15th Women of A Certain Age post about "turning" sixty.

"60 is the new 40!" she enthused.

I don't know if that is true or not but my bones aren't buying it.  

Last October, six of my oldest friends and I flew to New Orleans to share our mutual 60th birthdays.  Some live on the West Coast, one lives in the Keys, I live in New England and we all grew up together in SoCal.

We took full suites at the luxurious Windsor Court Hotel downtown.  Here's a sample view from our rooms on the 17th flr.

We were a ten minute walk from the Quarter.

And walk we did.

  

The minute you get to NOLA, you want to hit the Quarter.  You want to find a bar or restaurant.  You want to have a local drink and some of that Cajun/Creole food you've heard about all your life.

You want to see the sights:  the grill-faced balconies, the shot gun houses, the brick buildings, flower baskets, parks with lush tropical plants.

It's a hot flower of a place is New Orleans.  If you're having hot flashes, it's even hotter.

We had four days to check it all out.                    

You can have any kind of food you like but the seafood and local cooking is the best.  It just doesn't get any fresher or more delicious than here.

The music is the greatest.  It's everywhere, street corners, cafes, the obvious jazz places like Preservation Hall, open air patio restaurants.  There are so many truly fine musicians in New Orleans.  They say it's in the water and the blood.  

                                                                                   

                                                                                             

The atmosphere on Bourbon St is just what you expect: maniacally happy.  After a couple of cocktails, so are we!  I had Sazeracs, a favorite since my first visit to the city in 1981.  One of my friends tried a Hurricane, the rest drank their usual and missed out on the fun of Mint Juleps and the like.  We were feelin' the love just the same.                                                                  

This is the famous statue of  Andrew Jackson, my mother's cousin, many times removed.  Behind him is St. Louis Cathedral in Jackson Square.  

Personally,  I like the horse's face. 

                                                                                   

Breakfast at Cafe du Monde is a must. 

Beignets and chicory cafe au lait.  Heaven.   Fresh seafood, local cooking are the best ways to experience the true flavor of the area.  Our finest meal was a seafood place called G.W. Fins.  Other choices that come highly recommended are Acme Oyster House, Arnauds, Antoine's.  We had reservations at Galatoire's but somebody changed the game plan, much to my dismay.  Lucky for me I've dined there before as well as Brennan's, where bananas foster was created.  Lunch at Mr. B's was nice.  It's owned by the Brennan family too and is a gorgeous, wood paneled, elegant place.   

Against my better judgment, we opted for a three hour bus tour of the city.  It turned out to be educational, enlightening and fun.  We learned much and saw the remains of Katrina's devastation which is still shockingly extensive; visited the Ninth Ward now under some semblance of repair thanks to Harry Connick Jr. and his Musician's Village and Brad Pitts' 

                                                                                   

New Orleans City Park 

is 1300 acres and a cab ride from downtown.  It is worth a half or full day's trip.  Had we known and had the time, we'd have returned to take in everything from the Museum of Art to the Carousel Gardens Amusement Park and Storyland.   Photos are from the Botanical Gardens within the park.

          

The obligatory cemetery tour..  While stopped here, a full-sized bus pulled up and a ton of Super Senior citizens (meaning:  older than us) got out.  My best friend, who is usually not humorous, sarcastic or wry, commented

"That's out next trip."

We weren't sure if she meant the people on the bus tour or a trip to the cemetery.

FUN FACT:   Woldenberg Riverfront Park is a beautiful scenic stretch of land along the banks of the Mississippi.  There is an aquarium, aviary, IMAX theatre, lawns and walkways with comfortable benches.  It was funded by the Great Uncle of one of our group.  She wanted us to see it and I envisioned a little park.  Wrong. It is a long stretch of walking, biking, sitting and playing parkway bordering the river. Her Great Uncle Mal has been dead many years but she remembers him fondly. Seems he scandalized the city when he married a black woman and left his millions to her, after her funded the park.  (snort!)

One of the hundreds of  small parks within the Quarter with statuary, fountains, benches and deep shade in which to "set a spell."

THIS is what I thought my friend's uncle bequeathed.

This is the first night get-together in the bar of our hotel.  They make them some "fine" cocktails and we didn't hesitate.  We partied like it was 1999...well, more like 1969.


Many things change as you age; your jowls, butt and boobs descend, your face begins to crease here and there, your hair greys and your stamina ain't what it used to be.  But a lifetime of friendship remains no matter how grumpy, drunky, barfy, and silly we may be when we're together.

If "sixty is the new forty", this is what it looks like.  Not bad.  Not bad at all.

It Was A Very Good Year

(excerpts from the lengthy email with photos sent to friends on New Years' Day)

Friends, Family & Traveling Companions:

This has been one hell of a year!  Our sons moved home, Scott's fine art photography is beginning to take off, we completed the majority of renovations on the old farm house... there was... travel.  It's been a fulfilliing, rewarding twelve months. 

So, today is Jan 1.  Do you remember all the New Years Eves spent together?  ...Do any of you get out there and shake it up any more?  Scott and I celebrated New Years Eve on 12/30 in Boston.  We drove down, checked into a nice hotel near Copley Square,  went walking, taking photographs, visited the Boston Public Library (gorgeous), drank Guiness in an Irish pub, dinner in the North End at a terrific Italian restaurant and spent the next day at the JFK Library.  

... Bryan returned to Salt Lake for his final semester @ Univ Utah.  He's lived there 6 years... SLC has been a perfect environment for his snowboarding, hiking, kayaking, rock climbing, trips to Moab and other adventurous stuff.  He received his degree in Environmental Studies spending his last semester interning for Tim DeChristopher, probably the biggest activist in the David/Goliath fight of environmentalists vs Big Oil & the govt.  He decided to come home and try his luck here [because I work with so many environmental and govt agencies marketing tourism]. 

My job at the tv station is wonderful.  I love selling this niche product... If this is my last job in broadcasting, I lucked out big time.  

In April, [we] returned to Anna Maria Island, FL,  one of our favorite places... It was a warm, sunny week of beaching, swimming, eating and family time.

This summer, [we] took a small renovated "camp" cottage on Lake Sunapee.  We'd never been to this lake and heard lovely things about it...The lakeside homes and old boating garages and wonderful antique boats reminded us of Lake Arrowhead.  Those were the days...

 

Scott ... was commissioned by a local hotel to print 11 images for display in a newly renovated wing... We took a trip to NYC in Sept to meet with an [art] consultant. .. She was enthusiastic and constructive.  While they met, I took the opportunity to visit the Empire State Bldg for the very first time.  It was SO WORTH IT...

Fletcher and Ashley moved back from Naples, Fl...  This winter, Fletcher and Bryan are working in the terrain park of a local ski mountain.  Tough life, 11 hours of snowboarding every day and getting paid for it.

[Scott's mother] is doing fairly well...She'll be 85 this week...  I think it's been a real adjustment for all and it still isn't perfect but how easily does living with one's parents come after all these years?   Bryan and Fletch have only been here a couple of months and they care chafing under our still watchful parental eyes.

Some but not all of you know I participated in a mutual 60th birthday bash in New Orleans in October with [5 of my oldest friends.] ... 3 nights together of eating, drinking and sightseeing, not necessarily in that order...  

Wishing you the best year ahead with health and happiness and love because, when you get right down to it,  that's all there is!

        I call this photo "Everybody loves Scott...except Bryan"  

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

This holiday weekend...

. . . I hope you get to do fun things with family and friends; things like....

                                                                       Go for a hike

                                                          Get together with friends

                                                            Go up in a hot air balloon

                                                                  Get out on a lake

                                                                       Visit the shore

                                                                  See something historic

                                                                  Participate in a sport

                                                                Celebrate with family

Have a safe, happy Fourth of July!

Things Can Always Go Wrong

On a recent Sunday night, I threw a small dinner party for my two oldest friends in N.H.  One of them was the first woman I met in my neighborhood who subsequently introduced me to practically everyone I needed or wanted to know.  She's plugged in to our tiny burgh.   She's the person I go to when I need to know who is doing what, owns what, selling what, whose kids are doing what.  I laughingly refer to her as "The Town Crier".

While the dinner turned out beautifully, it was a comedy of errors under construction.  The paper towels caught fire & could have burned down the house were it not for my soapstone counter & my eagle eyed friend who saw smoke trickling out of the screen door as we sat on the rear deck.  I thought it was the bbq!  We snuffed the fire before it had a chance to blacken my new white cabinets or worse yet, burn down the house.

Back in the sweltering kitchen, continuing the meal prep as the humidity played havoc with my hair, my sanity & my overactive hot flashes, I was sweating profusely as I worked at the kitchen sink gazing out the window as my dog, Dewey, began to shake his head dramatically from side to side.  He was shaking something in his mouth which, to my horror, turned out to be a very long snake.  My guests couldn't see him from the deck because a large Japonica bush blocked their view.  I began screaming.  By the time my husband reached the dog, he'd snapped the head off the snake and was dragging two feet of snake body about.  UGH.  Now, being a California Girl, I'm thinking it's poisonous, you know, rattlesnake, coral snake, something like that.  Apparently it was a very long harmless garter snake.  That didn't appease me much.

When our guests left that evening, they thanked us for "a great meal and great entertainment."  I somehow always make these New England ladies laugh.

               Our beloved Dewey, referred to as "Sideways Dog", in his youth



HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

Changing People's Minds

Mountain Valley Morning by Cole Scott

We had dinner with friends last night.  They are our closest friends in N.H. and we are at opposite ends of the political spectrum which  is often a topic of discussion among us.  We don't avoid politics but we don't necessarily seek to discuss them.  However, the topic of the current administration arose last night before dinner.  My friend's husband asked me

"What do you think of the current administration now?"  His tone betrayed his irritation.

I'd had a couple of glasses of wine so I wasn't clear headed but I responded

"I don't think there's been enough time to tell yet."

I  listened to him denounce the bank bailout, the economy, proposed health care reform and the other usual suspects.  I politely disagreed citing facts such as Bush setting up the TARP program, the economy tanking two years ago (the recession officially began in '07) and so on.  I threw in the repeal of Glass Steagall Act under Clinton, the implementation of NAFTA, deregulation under Reagan and Bushes I and II.  I referenced facts I'd researched for my blog Women of A Certain Age and the post I'd written on this topic. 

While I was pleased to have these tidbits at my fingertips, I knew they'd make no difference in his thinking just as his opinions make no difference to mine.  He eventually did say he feels that all politicians are just that:  politicians.  He is losing faith in the system.  He sounded despairing of significant changes for the better.
 
My husband is feeling much the same way about one of our congressional representatives, Carol Shea Porter, because she has approved stimulus spending on road projects in our area that epitomize wasteful government spending.

In thinking over the conversation this morning, I realize how polarized we have become and why it interferes with the necessary decision-making required to make changes the country so desperately needs.   Ongoing discussion and a willingness to listen are critical to overcoming bipartisanship.  If the politicians are indeed nothing more than that, it's up to us, their constituents, to demand more from them, to make them accountable.  We cannot do that by "dropping out" but by "tuning in" to "what's goin' on", that is, if we really care.

Nicknames

I have this habit of nicknaming things, people, pets, kids, husband, etc. Our current younger dog, Dewey, is called: Doodlebugger, Doodle Doo, Diggers, Sideways Dog, Pesky Pup. Zoe, our older dog, used to be called Radial Zoe, when she was sleek and young. Now we call her Fat Dog or Dog-Faced Dog. Sometimes, when calling both dogs at once, the way you call kids, I get so irritated I confuse the pronunciation of both names and yell out "Zooey & Doughy! Get in here!" It's always by accident but, there you go.

Our cat, Maggie, has many nicknames: the Baby, Miggie, Miggles, Magpie, Little Queen, Princess, Shmoopie (yes, from Seinfeld) and who knows what else. When my sons were little they had their own nicknames: the Peanut, Da, Fletchmonster, Pootie Head 1 & 2, Bry-Bry and my favorite, Little Angel(s).

I recently addressed a birthday card to my husband with a number of old nicknames on it: Mr. Irresistible, NuNu, Honey Bunny, the Grim Reaper, Scotty-Wotty Doo doo, Scotty-too-hotty. The last is a favorite nickname my girlfriend and her sisters call him. He doesn't mind it at all.

My nickname in high school was Peachy. I've never known the exact origin although there's speculation it may have referred to my breasts. The fellow who coined it was a regular date, always trying to cop a feel without success. I really think he just thought I was "peachy" and he tossed it out there. It is still my nickname to one remaining old friend. The others have died or disappeared from my life making this nickname very dear to me indeed.

As Shakespeare wrote, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

I bestow nicknames with affection and love. They are a reflection of how I'm feeling, what I see or both. I suppose "Fat Dog" isn't the nicest of nicknames but she's a good old dog and we treat her well, albeit by overfeeding somewhat.

I hope I'm called Peachy til the day I die.

Greeting Cards or Email?

I have been working on my holiday greeting with photo attachments for three weeks. It began as a Christmas letter. Missed that deadline. Then a New Year's letter. I finally realized I did not know how to create a pdf and became frustrated trying to find the most flattering photos of family members so I zipped through the final stages, edited twice and attached eight photos. I sent it to over 60 people. I normally send at least 80 Christmas cards every year but I have more physical addresses than email addresses. One of my friends always sends a cute pdf greeting and donates the money to charity he would have spent on cards & postage. It's amazing to think postage is more expensive than the cards. I've been sending Christmas cards since I was a little girl. My mother always sent them and she was not a letter writer! Her card was it for the year. I was an inveterate letter writer & card sender; cards for Valentine's & Christmas, letters the rest of the year. I bet I've only missed three times in the past 45+ years. Seriously. It's a wonderful way to let people know you still think of them. So few of us write letters any longer. Christmas cards often contain personal notes, photos, sometimes even lengthy missives. I love receiving them and am grateful for the thoughtfulness of my friends and family.

Road Trip

Whoa Whoa Whoa! I am just back from a week-long road trip with my husband and father-in- law. We drove 2300 miles round trip to visit my father in law's brother in Kentucky and our friends in the Cincinnati area of northern Kentucky. Sound terrible? It wasn't. We left northern New England covered in snow passing through Mass, CT,PA,MD,WV & KY. It was soooo beautiful. The country side was Spring green everywhere we went. The flowering trees were in bloom: peach, pear, dogwood and red bud. It was such a treat. The skies were heavenly blue with only one rainy day. We visited the Cincinnati Flower Show with its imaginative landscape designs, table setting florals and beautifully cultivated flowers, tschotchke stands and Chef's Pavilion. We drove all over Cincinnati, once a run down city full of racial problems; now a vital and energetic downtown with incredible venues, restaurants, statues,fountains and rehabbed neighborhoods. The Ohio River is clean now; you can eat the fish you catch in it.

We went to a baseball game at the new stadium: Great American Ballpark. It was fantastic. Got to see the Dodgers beat the Reds and Nomar Garciaparra adjusting his gloves and Joe Torre's new management of the team and Ken Griffey Jr and home runs and fireworks and beer and peanuts and all that great stuff. The four of us had a HUGE family, probably 10 of them, sitting behind us; each member louder than the next with that real gritty Kentucky accent. There were two, maybe three adults and the rest were kids ranging in age from 3 up. I kept referring to them as the Bumpeses (from A Christmas Story). Between the kids running up and down the aisles, kicking the backs of our chairs, whining, crying and having to go to the bathroom and the parents either ignoring, cajoling or telling them to "Shut up!" repeatedly, it was truly a memorable night.

Best two outcomes of the trip: our 90 year old uncle seeing his 83 year old brother and 50ish nephew for what could be the last time; visiting friends with whom we are truly comfortable. It was a long drive but I'd do it again tomorrow.

Dinner Party With Friends

Last night we had six very good friends over to celebrate the brief visit of a close friend now living in another state. New England is a very informal region and dinner at someone's home is often enhanced by everyone bringing a dish and/or something to drink. I like that alot. It's friendly and thoughtful and it's just the way they do things up here. I say "up here" because I lived "down there" in the South at one time. One couple, who couldn't make it due to illness had been assigned an appetizer. However, an unexpected plate of appetizers showed up in the hand of the featured guest who'd run to Harry & David's for some excellent cheese, hard salami, bruschetta spread and crackers. But, I digress. My purpose in having the dinner party was for us all to be together again, to share and update each other with stories about our children and our geographically diverging lives. If children bring you together when they are young, what keeps you together after they have gone? I like to think it is all the things you learned to enjoy in your togetherness as parents as well as respect and mutal interests. We had a joyous meal and great conversation. There was alot of reminiscing and an equal amount of new stories to tell. The wonderful thing about old friends is the easy way in which they can come together and interact, as though no time has passed. It's seamless...unlike our faces!